Nature red in tooth and claw

Many people wonder if nature is more important than nuture, less important than nurture, equally important to nurture, or if it even matters a good goddamn. "Dr. Balzac, what do you think?" is a question I'm asked frequently at the Balzac Institute of Partial Recovery, the psychiatric clinic I founded ten years ago in recognition of the undeniable fact that most of us are okay with just getting by. "When good enough is good enough" is our simple motto, but I digress.

If you held a .44 magnum Ruger Blackhawk to my temple and cocked the hammer, while someone else poked a shiv against my larynx, and someone else again was squirting model airplane cement on my shoes and firing up a Bernzomatic torch, and my eyelids were propped open with hairpins so I couldn't not watch the twenty-four hour looped reruns of "Manimal" playing on a 104 inch plasma screen eight feet in front of me, I'd still have a hard time spitting out my answer. But if you had merely said "please" first and smiled pleasantly, I'd tell you nature trumps nurture every time save one.

A few years back,I conducted a study which capably illustrates my opinion. I was working at The Gladys T. and Royce J. Moritmer University On-line Hospital as a research psychiatrist when I conceived of a project I hoped would drive a stake into the heart of the old and wearisome nature versus nuture debate. I have long had both a personal and professional interest in the feral community, as I myself was raised by coyotes in North Dakota, my human parents having abandoned me at age seven because I was still colicky and chased cars. That's a story for another day, however; my research interest lay in finding pairs of identical twins, one of whom was raised by wild animals, and the other who grew up in a "twoleg home," to use a term favored by "wilders," as we refer to ourselves. You might think such a task overwhelming, but the feral community is surprisingly large and computer literate, though largely nocturnal and self-effacing, as you yourself might be if you couldn't stop licking your own butt. I eventually came up with 23 pairs of twins who qualified for the project and, thanks to a grant from the Purina Foundation, brought them together for a weekend of interviews at the Sourdough Cut 'n' Run Motor Inn. Thanks to the owners of that facility for their wonderful hospitality and forgiving nature towards "accidents" in the rooms!

I intend to write an operetta about this get-together eventually, but for now will merely highlight some interesting findings, which I unfortunately couldn't publish in traditional academic journals due to their bias against the actual existence of wilders. First off, regard the following distribution of the animal species that raised the study's wilders:

Chimps: Two
Wild boars: One
Wolves: Seven
Coyotes: Four
Black bears: Two
Snails: One
California condors: One
Narwhals: One
Kangaroos: Two
Goldfinches: One
Civet cats: Two

Next, regard the occupations of the feral twins, followed by each wilder's sib's respective occupation (in parentheses):

Carpenter (butcher)
Miller (chemist)
Jockey (obstetrician)
Mayor (mayor)
TV anchorman (Walmart greeter)
Walmart greeter (Walmart greeter)
Walmart greeter (Kmart greeter)
Pediatric neurosurgeon (shepherd)
Felon (swim coach)
Psychiatrist (endodontist)
Welder (blackjack dealer)
Unemployed (unemployed)
Unemployed (unemployed)
Unemployed (unemployed)
Unemployed (unemployed)
Unemployed (unemployed)
Unemployed (unemployed)
Unemployed (unemployed)
Unemployed (unemployed)
Unemployed (unemployed)
Unemployed (unemployed)
Unemployed (vice-president of the United States)
Professional clown for Christ (locksmith)

Astonishing! Complicated statistical tests including the transmogrification of the means squared cubed, the Rowdybush intraformative paralleled simplex conjugation and the Idontseeitt-Dooyew inversion conversion all corroborate what you probably noticed yourself: none of the subjects was a police officer! Let's turn next to the battery of neuropsychological and personality testing we administered to see if this sheds any light on the old genes/environment contretemps. All participants took the Scholossberg-Leapfrogg Characterologic Survey, the Rhode Island Short Version Intelligence Test, the Barney EEG Olfaction Index, the Whiski Rae Shamrock Sociability Instrument and the Balzac Five-Dimensional Feral Conformity Form ( or BFDFCF). This last test is of especial interest to me as I developed it. It is a twenty question self-administered survey that is 95% sensitive and specific in detecting individuals who at some point in their lives have been raised by nonhuman parents for six or more consecutive months. Take a moment and take the test yourself:

1) I have howled at the moon more than three times in the last thirty days (y/n).
2) I hate to eat with my hands (y/n).
3) I growl when others sniff my crotch (y/n).
4) I moisten envelopes with my own urine (y/n).
5) I believe that thunder is the world's greatest threat to peace (y/n).
6) I have humped something I've later eaten (y/n).
7) I sometimes dream I'm chasing rabbits who work for FedEx and ride skateboards on my sidewalk (y/n).
8) I know somebody who's died of rabies (y/n).
9) I enjoy rolling in putrescent entrails (y/n).
10) I cannot identify a single pastel color (y/n).
11) I can smell a spiral cut ham from a mile away (y/n).
12) I chew grass for dyspepsia (y/n).
13) I believe it's a sin to waste good vomit (y/n).
14) I can tell when somebody is about to suffer a seizure (y/n).
15) I believe that "doggy-style" is synonomous with "the missionary position" (y/n).
16) I shake hands shamelessly for insincere praise and a dessicated offal treat (y/n).
17) I believe the world's worst euphemism is "The Humane Society" (y/n).
18) I would rather eat a pair of slippers than wear them (y/n).
19) I get a hard-on whenever I watch "Lady and the Tramp" (y/n).
20) I shit regularly in my neighbor's yard (y/n).

Did you answer more than six questions in the affirmative? If so, there's a three out of four chance that you were once a feral child. A "yes" answer to ten or more questions and it's virtually certain you're a wilder.

Now for the kicker: twenty-one of the twenty-three controls scored above eight on this survey. I will emphasize again that these are the sibs in each twinship who were reared by people, not creatures of sky, field or stream. Give this test to the average schmuck on the street, and it's unlikely he'll respond positively to even one item. Nature, therefore, seems to best nurture in this rather dramatic study. Or does it?

I'm sure you can come up with many cavils and perhaps even a serious objection or two to my project. Such as how do I explain the finding that the controls scored in the range where they should be wilders, yet all insisted they were not? My interpretation of the data suggests that while the identical twin control group overwhelmingly displayed the same root personality traits of their feral sibs, the controls responded to the civilizing balm of their loving families. Nurture ultimately prevailed in a singularly rare setting—for the controls. As for us wilders, well, I can only conclude it's somehow bred deeper yet in our bones to run free.

Unlike that fucking twoleg twin of mine, Claude Balzac, DDS.