Th' Christmas Rat: Part IV

First off I need to tell you that a couple strong men had to carry Dandy up th' stairs at Clap 'n' Clap to get him to th' practice room for our meeten about th' Christmas show. Captain Crocker chattered an' jumped up an' down all nervous like to see his master lifted an' moved. I almost comforted that monkey but decided not to as I didn't want Chazz to get all jealous, and besides, I could see the fleas crawlen on th' coat a th' little Santa suit th' Captain now wore. I'd already exterminated them pests from Chazz the day before, an' I weren't about to make another smudge pot usen creosote an' catfish an' bad bourbon an' sit in a phone booth for four hours breathen in all that foul smoke just to make a critter comfortable. My head still buzzed an' swarmed from that nasty but healen miasma (fancy word!). Damn dumb way to spend a day in my opinion, but you got to comfort animals an' I'd do it again—just not for th' Captain.

So we was all getten together in th' practice room an' it were quite a sight. First off, they was a huge pile a robes an' scarves an' sandals an' all kinds a Bible clothen an' some finery i guess were meant for th' Wise Men, I know Dandy wheeled hisself immediately over to th' stack a gold vests an' crimson robes an' enormous turbans th' size a an eagle's nest, he picked up such a turban an' barked at th' Captain to help him rewrap it so it fit his head better. That monkey scooted straight over in his Santa suit an' unwound th' turban about as fast as he could peel a banana, then bound Dandy's head with th' many feet of white linen binden cloth. It reminded me th' times I'd wrapped up dead relatives before we gave them a bayou burial, which weren't a matter a diggen in th' dirt an' plunken th' body in like you was planten taters or onions, but instead hewen out a skiff from a felled tree usen an old adze, setten the mummy body (for that's what it looked like to me) in the boat an' given it a hard shove into a river channel, where nature's undertakers an' sextons take care a th' remains an' return our package back to its sender, you know what I mean.

Damned old Dandy did enjoy dressen up, the Captain, too, from what I could see. Somewhere that monkey scrounged up a beautiful red stone like a garnet or a ruby to fix to Dandy's turban. I could tell by the way Dandy held his head he felt pretty proud a hisself, an' only a heartless sumbitch could begrudge a legless man his pride. He then sent the Captain over to seize some a that beautiful Wise Men clothing before others could claim it for theyselves. The way that monkey minded Dandy impressed me a lot, an' I pointed that out to Chazz, who by now had left Sister Edith's beehive hair nest for a perch on my shoulder an' th' handful a oyster crackers I was eaten an' now shared with him. "You might want to learn from that monkey about how to treat yore master," I suggested. An' Chazz did! He scooted down to th' floor an' dashed over to a pile a clothes an' picked me out a beautiful robe whose deep blue color complimented my eyes, an' was just th' right size, too. Chazz dragged that robe back to me, demonstraten the fearsome strength rats pack into they small bodies. He even helped me put it on, pullen a corner a th' robe up over my shoulder as he held it in his mouth an' ran up my body. "You definitely th' smartest pet in Louisiana," I told that sewer rat, kissen him on top a his head.

"I sure hell am," Chazz answered.

This nearly floored me an' only th' desire not to seem weak to Sister Edith, now in th' room, an' Dandy, an' th' other girls, an' a couple other down-an'-outters Dandy had dragged in from th' street, an' Nazi Klaus, who sat in a folden chair on th' yonder side a th' room eaten a big black sausage he held like an ear a corn, nibblen on it like th' animal he'd been an' maybe still was. An' for an instant I almost thought I was psycho like so many a my relatives. A rat talken to me! Not even Chazz could be so smart.

"You sure hell heard right," Chazz said.

My eyes musta saucered up cause Chazz balled up his paws an' rubbed his own eyeballs with them before pointen at me. "You always a talker, or you learned it now?" I finally managed to ask my little friend.

"I speak always," Chazz answered. "Learned at Tulane. Born there inna sorority house. My home still."

I didn't want to admit I didn't know what a sorority was. Find me a dictionary later. "Let's keep yore talken quiet," I suggested to Chazz. I could just see Dandy exploiten my pal the way he did the Captain. I shuddered wonderen how he'd take Chazz from me, a scary image formen a his buddy Nazi Klaus setten down his sausage an' picken up a luger pistol an' shooten me when I aint looken. I didn't trust that fat man but he did give me a good meal. You got to pick th' good parts a folks, I guess, an' cobble them together to form a vision a humanity aint as bleak as what you get from individual people, who always disappoint.

Sister Edith clapped her bony hands a few times to get our attention, motionen to th' folden chairs to set our asses down an' listen. I picked a chair up front an' off to one side. One nearest th' door, in fact, for reasons I cant explain except I grew up always looken for an' escape route an' often needen to use it. Aint easiest thing in th' swamp to find, either, what with all th' water you swim in only you wanna lose your feet to reptiles. But I weren't bad at swingen from tree-to-tree like a monkey I needed to, probably better at it than th' Captain, judgen from his nervous little body, that monkey radiated fear an' likely could use counselen, not that he'd ever get it, Dandy been Dandy an' concerned about hisself mainly. Not my goddamned business anyway, but I couldn't help feelen a little sorry for that ape. I turned my head toward Chazz, who was still resten on my shoulder. "I glad I got you an' not another pet," I said, poochen my lips out an' kissen my rat's nose.

"You best, Ethel," Chazz whispered back. "Better than sorority girls."

Tears sprung to my eyes like a couple a spurten fountains an' I covered my face quickly an' rubbed it hard. I learned you let people see you cry you might just better let them knock you on yore skull with a clawhammer, they got you they see you looken weak. Damned old world is too hard sometimes you got a tender bone in yore skeleton. But it's better to be that way I imagine than hard as an iron skillet. Who'd want to kiss an old fry pan? Or call it Mama?

"Listen now," Chazz ordered. He was right, I was getten off track in my thinken. By now Sister Edith had shusshed enough folks an' gotten them to sit down so she could speak instead a yellen. That women had her a presence I seldom seen in others. My Aunt Junie Bugg might a rivaled but not surpassed Sister Edith. Junie Bugg was over six feet tall an' weighed in at 280 pounds an' could hold two ten pound mauls at arm's length for a whole afternoon, she did that once to win a smoked ham at th' county fair, then went home an' ate that whole chunk a meat herself for supper, I seen this with my own eyes. Nobody said nothen cause Junie Bugg weren't all there after she got tail whipped in th' head by a big mama gator she'd crept up behind to steal its clutch a eggs it was warmen under a pile a leaves an' shit. Not that Junie Bugg ended up dumb, exactly, for my Grandmaw Dominique had the healen touch an' made a heavy poultice she strapped to Junie Bugg's head for a whole week, what all went into th' sack I can't say other than th' smell was worse than a rattlesnake den. But Junie Bugg acted odd an' moody rest a her life, not sleepen much an' believing she was Queen a th' Jews an' Jesus Christ hisself was gonna marry her swamp cracker ass. An' you suggested otherwise to Junie Bugg only at yore own peril. Damn shame she died when she did an' in th' manner a her demise. Eaten by wild pigs when they cornered her against a cypress tree when she was out seeken herbs an' roots to make some medicine from. All we found a her was her spine an' her shoes an' a ring made outta both barbed an' copper wire twisted into a metal braid. Oh, an' four dead pigs includen th' big boar we all called "Jerome" after an especially fat cousin a my mama's. Never thought that elephant pig would meet his match. Junie Bugg appeared to have strangled him, God only knows how.

Sister Edith commanded my attention not because a what she looked like or said, but what she didn't say. She possessed what you might call a horse face, not that she was butt ugly, precisely, but that it was long as a child's torso an' full a big teeth. Oh, an' she could flick her ears different directions, twitch, twitch, twitch, like she was chasen off flies, or listenen to two folks chatten in separate conversations. She was beautiful in her own way, though, tall an' pale an' she had big grey eyes she swiveled round in they sockets so as not to miss a beat. She was clad in a gown a her own craften, cloth wrapped about her like th' rich Roman wife a Gus or Julie Caesar. She had black hair she'd pulled behind her head so it hung like a noose nearly down to her hips, all ribboned up, I thought a horses an' they fancy manes. An' long elegant arms she waved in th' air like they was cobras an' she was charmen them. The effect was peaceful, even hypnotic. Every damn fool in th' audience shut up an' watched, even windbag Dandy, who'd wheeled hisself to th' front a th' room an' sat beside Sister, th' Captain actually sleepen in his lap an' looken like th' Baby Jesus, his constipated little face relaxed at last, like he'd unclenched all his sphincters an' let flow everythen he'd ever bottled up in his short mean life's journey from th' jungle to th' French Quarter.

"Thank you all for coming," Sister finally said. "This year's show will be our best ever, I'm convinced, as we have a new manger constructed by our friends at St. Louis Cathedral. I also am very pleased to welcome a remarkable young lady who's new to town, Miss Ethel Thibodeaux, late of the bayou, and her pet rat, Chazz. Both will take part in our show, Chazz as a lamb, and Ethel as Mary. We'll have more animals this year, too, including, I am told, three genuine camels for our Wise Men, an ox and an ass, and of course Captain Crocker, whose role is evolving. My initial intention for tonight was for us to read through our script, so capably written by our very good friend, Dandy, but as it's a beautiful evening and the manger has just been erected, I suggest instead we head over there to get a feel for it. Any questions?"

I looked round th' room an' waited until I was sure no one else had nothen to say, then I raised my hand.

"Yes, Ethel," Sister said. "What's your question?"

"Who you haven be th' little baby Jesus?"

Sister smiled. "Miss Dawn has graciously offered to lend us her own baby for the performance, provided, of course, she delivers by then."

I looked at th' half-wit girl what was about eleven months pregnant judgen from her enormous size. Roundest person I ever seen, an' slow upstairs, not that I have any trouble with that in folks generally, but Dawn weren't dumb from brain problems best I could tell, instead she just made peculiar decisions such as rubben her big belly with Miracle Whip she pulled from th' fridge. I shit you not that I caught her smearen that crap onto herself at lunchtime. I said nothen then, but upon hearen Sister's comment, I leaned over an' asked Dawn what hell she'd been up to smearen sandwich spread on her stomach. She looked at me with her blank ewe's face an' said she wanted her baby exposed to miracles much as possible. I couldn't help myself when I blurted out that as that goes she was whippen her kid, too, count a th' second half a that product's name.

What I would a done different had I known Dawn's reaction was just about everythen. But time's an arrow that rarely double back's on itself an' flies home to its sender, so it aint good to dwell on th' what-ifs and would-a-beens. Whole damn world thought this way more often we'd be hell th' better for it. Not that Dawn herself was likely to ever think on anythen more weighty than what kind a toothpaste to buy an' when to brush her teeth with it. I come from a line a folks so many a whom got they's bells rung hard an' often I aint got th' sympathy I should for those who act stupid but truly aint. Meanen Dawn an' how she blubbered. "I aint a child abuser," she balled. "I just want a miracle baby."

Sister glided over to Dawn an' snaked her long cobra arms around that poor silly thing, murmurren soothen words an' cooen in her ear an' such while flashen me a nasty look that reminded me they aint no true refuges in life, least not for a swamp cracker runaway like me. Sure I was a little disappointed, maybe more than a little, but I gave Chazz a squeeze an' it settled me, critters been on th' whole better companions than man miserable man. "Watch out for Sister," my rat whispered into my ear. "Her hair's nice but she's a madam."

"Th' hell," I whispered back. "She's like a nun."

"Chazz found fetus tucked inna Sister's hair."

"Was it human?"

"Little girl. Now hush."

This was absolutely disgusten, and I was now on watch for trouble. My temptation was to bolt, but I truly had nowhere to go, an' besides I really wanted to play th' Blessed Virgin while I still was one. I did some quick thinken an' reckoned Sister must a been transporten th' remains a th' "procedures" what went on in th' Clap 'n' Clap clinic. Why she'd take a chance a haven Chazz drag out a little dead arm or foot or somethen was harder to figure. Maybe she thought Chazz would gobble up th' dead baby an' she'd be spared tossen it into th' river, or whatever hell she aimed to do with it.

"You eat youself any a that fetus?" I asked Chazz softly.

"No. It smelled too bad."

"You mean to tell me a rat can find a stink too rank to abide?"

"I sorority rat, Ethel, so I classy," Chazz reminded me. "Quiet! Here come Sister."

That big rangy woman sidled over to us. She knew I knew she were up to no good, I could see this in her grey eyes I'd admired so only five minutes before. My warm feelens a yesterday seemed a year ago to me, an' I regretted i didn't have my sticken knife on my person. But my fists would do in an emergency, I figured, an' Chazz had hisself some mighty mean choppers I could hear him gnashen. "Steady," I said. "She aint likely to go after us here."

"I chew her nose off she bother you, Ethel," Chazz said plainly. There go my eyes again, misten up! Damned nicest thing anyone's ever said to me, I believe. "You a rat sent by God hisself," I told my little chum.

"Amen," Chazz replied. He hopped on top a my head, assumen what I could only suppose was a battle crouch. His claws kind a hurt diggen into my scalp, but kind a felt good, too. Besides, I didn't begrudge my bodyguard th' need for good purchase. An' this way he could pretty much stare Sister straight in th' eye, me been pretty tall myself, an' Chazz a good eighteen inches long, not counten his whippy tail.

Sister stared at me good an' hard an' long. I met her gaze blink for blink. An' Chazz I couldn't see, but I imagined his bulgy rat eyes locked in place an' mightily focused.

"Okay. Fine. I understand you, now, Ethel, and you appear to understand me," Sister said with ice in her voice.

"I understand I aim to play th' Virgin Mary, then get hell out a this place," I answered. "Chazz an' me got plans."

Sister set her jaw hard like she was cracken Brazil nuts with her big teeth. "We all have plans, Ethel. What matters is whether we can execute them or not."

Chazz gripped my scalp extra hard at th' word 'execute.'

It got my attention, too.

Sister whirled around like them hippo ballerinas in th' movie "Fantasia." "To Jackson Square, all," she ordered, clappen her hands three times. "Let's march like soldiers of Christ."

"If you don't mind, I'll just wheel myself like one," said legless Dandy.

Everybody laughed but Chazz an' me.